I used to clean up her toys every night before I went to bed. I used to pick out her clothes for the morning. I used to get her lunch/snack for school ready. i used to do a lot of those end-of-the-day things.. now? now I just can't be bothered because I have no energy after 8pm -- and she usually isnt even asleep 'til 10pm lately.. *sigh*

The thing about this society that just GETS me, cuz its not just my situation, its many many many of my single-mother friends.. WHY IS IT .. that men think they have the CHOICE to not be involved? why is it that we let them away with it? why is it okay for them to take off for weeks at end because they are "finding" themselves.. or only see their kids for a couple hours a week because thats all they can "handle"?!

Anyone who hears about my life thinks "wow! you're doing amazing! You're so strong! I couldn't do that!" .. well, if they think _I_ can do it, they're highly mistaken! I'm just floating along on a wisp of existance.. this is not living and this is not handling it.. this is letting life happen and doing what HAS to be done -- like feeding a mouth when it says its hungry and washing clothes when they run out and buying diapers because they're needed, not because I can afford them. I am so tired. I am so beyond tired. I am so ready to be dead.

On a happy note -- my daughter is doing wonderful in the Montessori school she is at. She loves it there and they love her there! I'm praying to whatever ghawds I can dream up, that we'll be able to afford to continue sending her there... I cant imagine having to put her into the farce that is the public school system. She'll be two on April 19th .. is it too early for me to start planning a party?! :)

Not to get my hopes up -- but -- my daddy might be coming up to visit sometime in April, as well.... *sigh* .. I havnt seen him since August '04 ...

On a cheery note -- I always seem to be single! Why is that cheery you ask? I have no fckn clue, but it had damn well better be a cheery note, or I might cry, with all thats gone on lately in my romantic life. I wonder if there's a frontal-labotomy-like operation to remove ones emotions beyond a certain level. I still want to be able to love my daughter, but do I have to feel romantic love? Maybe I'll just stop meeting new ppl, and that'll solve everything! :)

Merry this-time-of-year and Happy next-year-coming .. and all that jazz!!

If you _dont_ know of what I speak of and you DO talk to me elsewhere -- wtf, are you asleep at the keys or sumfin, mang?! thats dangerous!

and
    can
        you
              ..............................hold me tighter? :(

what comes to mind is a quote from my writing of days gone past and emotions that cant last...
      "...or tell the boy sitting across from me that I'd like to suck teasingly on the line of his jaw as we lay nestled against one another, aglow in the aftermath of our lovemaking, while he traces his fingertip along my ear whispering the softest noises which rhythmically beat into my soul... "

But, alas, I am me, no more, no less.. and some things are never meant to be... (while others .. others surprise you when you least expect it.....*sigh* why do I always have to hold on to that last shred of hope? eternal optimism of the damned! bah!)

It's been a crazy couple months. I'm starting to feel and think things that I havn't been aware of in myself for several years. I'm starting to feel alive again. Maybe with spring coming, there is a renewed sense of energy and rebirth.. who knows.. but I like it.. and I hope it leads somewhere positive!

Kyla will be ONE YEAR OLD on April 19th .. ohmifcknghawd! I can hardly believe it! She is walking and talking and she is a very determined little grrl! You should see her when she sets her chin JUST so! In fact, this isn't a picture of that, but do click here to see a recent mug of her smile!

my daughter's aunt, along with her two children, are considering getting a place together with us.. so right now they're crashing at our pad, since their lease ran out and our potential new place isn't available until the start of April .. it makes for very close living quarters and I think we figure if we can survive THIS together, we'll have no problem living in a much bigger space!

anywho .. life calls .. sooo! I'll try to update this page more often -- but one of my "new years ideas" (no resolutions here!) was to write in my journal more often and I havnt been doing that either! bah!

I can hardly believe it is almost xmas! I am not real big into the holidays and December has always been one of my crappier months of the year (heck, I dont even like winter all that much) but this year I'm looking forward to the whole season! I'm so excited about the idea of being able to dress my daughter up in her snowsuit and take her out for a little sleigh ride! And I know, once she gets the right idea from her cousins, she'll be right into ripping off wrapping paper! ... I actually _like_ baking, I just rarely have the opportunity to do it for more than myself, so I dont bother -- but this year I'm digging out all the receipes!! Gingerbread and shortbread, here we come!

What do YOU want from Santa this year??

I moved again. I am now in a really great place. I hope I will stay here for a long time. There is a room for Kyla (no sharing mine!) and a really great back-yard.. I'm looking forward to the snow back there and to next summer and barbequeing! I'm looking forward to all of my daughter's firsts! She just passed the 6 month date on the 19th .. I can hardly believe it has been that long! I never knew I could love someone this much!

Must run ... out of time .. AGAIN! :)

She is just over 3 months old now and she's babbling and working up to crawling and sitting on her own .. (she thinks she's going to walk before she crawls, the way she pulls herself up to stand, with my arms .. but I think we'll encourage the crawl!) .. and she's healthy as can be!! check out her site at http://baby.casstastrophe.com/ .. the photo album is updated OFTEN!

Y'know .. they tell you that you're going to love your newborn baby .. but they can never prepare you for just how MUCH you are going to love this little bundle.. with tiny little fingers and toes .. and ears and eyes .. and bum! .. my heart just breaks everytime she cries in pain with gas and I cant do anything about it!! *chuckle* she's perfect in every way and as Robert Munsch so wonderfully puts "I'll love you forever" :)

That's really all I have time for right now! I need to get some sleep while she's sleeping!! Heading to St. Catharines tomorrow for a baby shower thrown by my godmother .... shud be interesting -- hope I can stay awake!

I'm excited about the new place, it's a one-bdrm apartment on the main floor of a house .. its BIG -- with a lot of floor area ... so I'm not worried about only having the one bedroom ... I get a sun-deck with it .. and there's a YARD! and a vegetable garden in the back .. I can hardly wait! :) and there's extra storage space attached to my apt, too .. so I wont have to worry about carrying the monthly payments on an off-site storage!

Sometimes when you smile at the world, it REALLY does smile back! Try to remember that, eh? As cheesey and corny and cliche as it sounds -- life really is what you make of it! So make it your oyster and show your pearls! :)

oh .. and my tummy feels like its gunna pop! its big and full and gets kicked from the inside all the time (which, of course, they say is a good thing .. but you just think about a li'l foot getting stuck up in your ribs or in your kidney's and how comfy that is!)

if you'd like to send me some congratz via e-mail, that'd be schnazzy ... and if you'd like to send me $$$ since I'm po' and cant really afford to have this kid, well, that'd be cooler!! haha! :)

aaaaand! Spring is in the air! w000t! its gunna be beautiful out soon, once all this snow melts and all the mucky mud goes away! I can hardly wait!

On that note, I'm off to scan some picts and hopefully add them to this site before I have ppl come over and disturb my creative ability! feel free to drop me a line anytime and let me know you're still alive!

Other than that .. life is happening ... I've been tired, mostly, but for good reason -- that I dont really want to go into .... I'm thinking of totally revamping this site, but I havnt had any inspiration... everyone out there seems to be using skins and shit that someone else designed *sigh* is it crazy for me to still want to be an original?!

Looking forward to the end of season celebrations .. have a schnazzy costume all worked out, just a couple more pieces to put the final touches in action .. what're YOU doing for Hallowe'en this year?! :)

Well, latest news -- I'm in Hutchinson, Kansas, USA visiting my dad's place .. its pretty schnazzy .. I s'pose :) I havnt been here since last December and I miss him lots .. we always seem to have the greatest conversations .. why cant I find someone in my life in Ontario who can have the kinds of discussions my dad and I have?! I mean .. they're only philosophical/scientific in nature, its not like we're the only ppl who think about those sortsa things ... I guess, maybe, because we're family and we love eachother and KNOW e/o so well ..... that we have this underwritten respect for the other's intelligence and its hard to find that in a friendship --- you're always second-guessing the other person, whether you know you are or not ... *sigh* so much for being HUMAN and being SCARED of everything! bah!

other than that, there's REAL exciting news in my life .. but I'm not sure I'm ready to post it on my website just yet .. so if you DONT know what it is I'm refering to, feel free to contact me and ask! If you DO know what I'm talking about -- drop me a line somehow and tell me you're excited for me! I got a really bad response from an old friend of mine and I'm kinda bummed that he would even have the gall to put those kinds of thoughts to text!

okay .. enuff rant for now --- that scan best be done on my laptop by now, or I'm gunna be pissssssssed off! :) cyz!

If you look at the link, you'll notice there are things on there ranging from $1.50 (US) to $54.00 .. I dont need expensive things to be happy, just cute things! (okay, well .. I dont NEED _things_ to be happy, just cool ppz in my life .. but .. THINGS help .. they certainly do do do do!)

Thanks ahead of time to anyone who assits me in this material goal! :)

Why does he need a job? Well .. he owes me nearly $600!!! He fckn stole my webcam (which is why I havnt been on cam for a while!) and gave it to some li'l shit kid he'd just met! He stole my sister's CD player that I had lent him .. and he stole my salvia pipe! Li'l fckn fckr deserves whatever is coming to him this lifetime around .. he's GOT to have a lot of baaaaaaaad karma built up by now!

Sooo! If anyone lives in Guelph and is looking for an Apt .. I should have a room available by the end of this month, no later! The rent is $400 inclusive.. I dont have a phoneline (cuz I use my cell) but I have ROGERS cable internet.. sooooo .. write to me! and tell me you're interested! (only serious inquiries welcome!)

I thought I had an idea in this bruised and battered head of mine.. but it seems like its slipped through my fingers before I even touched it once...

"The Universe unfolds as it should" .. I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before and that I believed it.. but why? Why put so much effort into believing something you'll never know for sure... why bother with beliefs, heck, dont stop there, why bother with ideas? just.. don't.. and see where it gets you.

I'm lazy as fck and fckn lazy ............ c'est la vie!

its the way it feels like he .. gets inside my mind .. but not in an intrusive manner.. quite the opposit .. it feels ... comfortable with him wandering around inside there.. like.. I not only opened the door for him, but poured him his favourite drink and then went off to do my own things, just so he could be at liberty to do as he pleases ... knowing fully, he'll come seek me out, when he's done, or if he has any questions or .. or if he just wants my company -- and he always does..... *sigh* why do I fall so fast down Alice's rabbit hole?

[here's hoping 'he' doesn't know who 'he' is .. and this can stay as random a post as any of the others!]

I'm sad.. I'm scared.. I'm paranoid and cranky .. and I'm not even high! I am actually drug-free .. (with the exception of clove cigarettes!) .. no perscription drugs .. no street drugs .. no drugs .. and yet .. yet .. I'm still sad, I'm still scared.. and I'm incredibly lonely... I wish my cat spoke human, or I spoke cat better than I pretend to ... :(

where do I turn to for the questions to all the answers floating through my head like cruise-ships for the mentally restrained?

the night started at 3pm with MUDVAYNE and it just didnt stop rocking! Deftones, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and finally at 10:30pm Metallica!!

I have to admit, I had myself a nice li'l trip from all the second-hand smoke.. but I survived it (hahah!) and I'm here to talk about it!! -- SOOO much has happend for me in the last month that I dont even know where to begin, so I wont, and I'll come back to all that much much later! For now - keep on rockin' and write me some e-mail to let me know you're still reading this site, and I'll update it! :)

I've been accepted into the Homewood program as of tomorrow for a 6wk course on how to be human again after suffering from PTSD and other similar things.. Should prove interesting if nothing else! :) I'll keep ya updated, I shud have access to the 'net from there :) So feel free to e-mail me while I'm gone! :)

I had to get special permission to be allowed off grounds for this coming friday night.. May 23rd at the Music Centre in Guelph, ON at 7pm .. I am starting in a li'l production of the arts .. with some great poetry readings, some music and dance.. and some theatrical interpretations of the arts ... it should prove super interesting! :) And a piece of my art is on display, for sale .. :) So .. if ya wanna come.. mapquest it -- 75 Cardigan St. Guelph

I'm really not such a bad person to know, y'know? .. so how come no one really wants to know me? :(

I feel so very misunderstood. I've managed to be brutally honest with everyone I've ever considered a friend and they've all left me in the dust .. maybe honesty is hard to face, I don't know because people are never honest to my face ... I seem to scare people away with my imagination and ideas, too ... funny.. that was the one thing that kept people coming back for more when I was little...

I'll be 23 years of age in just over a month. What in "Bob"'s great name am I going to do with the rest of this life?

It's strange the decisions we make to better our lives.. sometimes they seem to be in all the wrong directions, but then in the end, you're always in the place you're meant to be... I dunno, I'm confused and tired.. but I do have some good plans and I'm trying to stick to my guns!

My goals:

• correct my sleeping schedule
• get on the right medications
• stop smoking cigarettes
• restart my diet and stick to it
• save money!!

So I opted to help their efforts in a different way and worked instead on their webpage! I think the site that's there (while out-dated) looks great! I havnt really "felt" like working on it lately, so I'm trying to retire it over to a new publisher, but I feel a little loss at the ability to communicate my ideas. Things should go smoothly in the transfer though!

I think I'm going to do a change of location for the summer, just to kick-start my ass into gear... I'll talk more about that later though..

I've really been working on upgrading my music knowledge and my mp3 collection has certainly grown.. I'm going to add a music section to this site very soon! It's the only thing I can really think that's been missing, other than maybe a booklist, but that would take a very long time to compile!

yep, thats all you get

does that even make any sense? does anything I write ever make sense.. *sigh* who do I write to, why do I write, does anyone listen? am I going insane or am I slowly going sane? I cant seem to differentiate between the two...

soon, it says, soon .. soon it comes and we wait... patiently? no, I think it's because we havn't a choice ... we must merely wait....

so I wait.......

I've been playing around with some of these pages, adding some here, taking some away there .. and I added the new main page for METALLICA!!!! We are going to have a BLAST at that!! ohmighawd Limp Bizkit, Deftones, Lyncoln Park, and the ab-so-fckn-lute show stopper M E T A L L I C A @!@#!@#@!!@$!@$

hehe.. if you find something broken on the page that wasnt broken before, feel free to drop me a line and let me know!

One of my passions in life has always been traveling and I partake whenever the opportunity presents itself.. Lately, however, funding just does not permit travel! *sigh* I've looked at a school in Victoria, British Columbia for some time now.. its a course to become a Registered Massage Therapist and I think it is only 3,000 hrs so it could be done in 2yrs... I just dont know where I'd get the funding for it .. bah! being broke sucks! damn all those ppl born with a silver spoon up their a$$!!! GRRR! (no, no animosity here!!!)

On a happy note, today is my step-brother's 12th birthday! Yay! I've only had this extended family since Nov 11th of 2002, so I dont know them very well and dont know very much about them -- my mom got married quick, she met the guy in March and married him in November, but they're very happy and he's really wonderful for her! The kids live with their mother and are only over twice a week and odd weekends, but they're pretty schnazzy! (I dont live with my mother, either, so I dont see them often at all!)

.. unfortunately, it's all been said and done before!

I decided that Homewood WOULD indeed be a good experience and I've filled out all the neccessary documentation to be admitted... now I just have to play the waiting game and see when they let me in! It's terrible the way it upsets your life to take 6wks away from everything else you're doing -- but its worth it!

Thats all for now. See you on the other side.